Monday, September 8, 2008

Pick up artist

"So, Allan here tells me you're a pick
up artist?"

I took a sip of my Malibu and Pineapple.
The man sitting in front of me was
nursing a beer. Our mutual friend Allan
was sitting back with a big grin on his

"I really hate that term," I said. "I
prefer to think of myself as a cool guy
women find irresistible."

Gary, the man before me, laughed at that.

"Either way, he says you're pretty good
with women."

"I'm okay," I said.

"Don't be modest," said Gary. "You wrote
a book about this, didn't you?"

I turned to Allan. Allan was a cool guy,
but he tended to introduce me to everyone
he knew as the "pick up guy."

It wouldn't be so bad if the people he
told weren't constantly trying to find
out if I was a fake or not.

"My book is about a lot of things," I
replied. "Its about how to be more
confident with yourself, how to meet
women, recognize attraction signals,
and display your interest in ways
that won't get you rejected."

"Fascinating," said Gary. "I wish I
had a book like that when I was in
High School."

"Don't we all?" chimed in Allan.

I nodded, silently cursing myself for
wasting a perfectly good Friday night
by going out with Allan and his friend.

It wasn't that they were bad guys, or
that I didn't like hanging out with
them, but this was the perfect time to
be meeting women, and I was stuck with
two men instead.

"So you could pick up any woman in this
bar?" asked Gary.

I shook my head. "No, I can't do that.
There are too many factors involved. But
I could easily meet any woman in this bar."

"Really?" said Gary. "I'd love to see

"Me too," said Allan.

Allan had seen me do it before, but he
really got off on seeing the reaction of
people who HADN'T seen me in action. I
rolled my eyes.

"I'm really not into performing in front
of an audience," I said.

Gary frowned for a second. "Then what
about a bet?" he said.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I'll bet you free drinks the rest of the
night you can't go up and get a number from
a woman I pick out for you."

I smiled and shook my head. "You really
want to see this in action, don't you?"

"You bet 'cha!" said Gary. "What do you

I really hate backing down from challenges,
even when I'm put on the spot. But free
drinks for the night sounded pretty good
to me.

"One condition," I said. "Allan gets to
choose the girl."

"Deal," said Gary.

Allan started scanning the room. The bar
was a small, poorly lit place off of Vine
Street in Hollywood called Daddy's Lounge.

We had gotten to the place early, and it
was now starting to get crowded. There
were plenty of girls there this night.

I liked Daddy's because it was away from
the hard-core club scene of the Sunset
Strip. The girls were easier to approach,
and the music wasn't as loud.

Eventually, Allan stopped on a group of
four girls standing by the bar.

"Those," he said. "Over there, by the bar."

"That's a bit unfair," said Gary. "There
are four of them."

"Don't sweat it," I said. "That's actually
easier to approach than a girl who's by

Gary cocked an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yep. Any girl in particular, Allan?"

"Which ever one you want," he smiled.

I studied the group for a moment, trying to
get a feel for the dynamic. There were three
white girls and a black girl. One was very
attractive, two were cute, one of the white
girls was a bit chubby for my tastes.

I noticed the chubby girl was the one doing
all the talking.

None of the girls were dressed to impress. It
was simple attire, not your usual club wear.

I sat back for a moment deciding the best
way to approach the group, and once I had it,
I got to my feet and made my way over to them.

(I could almost feel Gary's eyes glued to my

I approached an opening between two girls
in the group, and made sure my voice was
loud enough to hear.

"Hey guys," I said.

As soon as I opened my mouth, all four girls
stared at me.

This is the part of approaching I always
hate. I just intruded on a closed conversation
and the defenses have gone up. But I was
committed, so I had to see it through.

"This'll only take a second, and then I'll be
on my way. But I've got a really weird
question for you. Do you guys watch a lot of

The girls all looked at each other for a
moment. I suspected the chubby one was
the leader of the group, but whoever
answered first would be the one in charge.

"That's a strange question to ask in a bar,"
said the chubby one.

I smiled. "I told you it was a weird one."

"Why do you want to know?" she asked.

"Have you ever seen that show Desperate
Housewives?" I asked.

One of the girls, a cute brunette, lit up
at that.

"Oh, I love that show!" she said.

I smiled at her. She just volunteered to
be my target.

"Okay, then maybe you can help me out with
this," I said. "I have a theory, that
Every girl relates to one of the Desperate
Housewives more than the others, and you
can tell a lot about her based on the one
she likes the best. But it only works if
you've seen the show. So you've seen it,
but what about the rest of you?"

"We've all seen it," said the chubby one.

"Great, then you know what I'm talking
about. So which one is your favorite?"

"Why are you asking us this?" said the
chubby one suspiciously.

I pointed to Allan and Gary at our table.
"See those two guys over there?" I asked.

"Yeah," she said.

"We've been arguing about this all night,
and I wanted to prove my theory. So I
wanted to get a female viewpoint on this.
But I can already tell which Housewife
you relate to best."

The chubby one got a bit defensive at

"Okay," she said. "Which one?"

"I'd say you relate most to the Ava Longoria

The chubby one looked at me strange. I was
wrong, but I knew that before I said it.

"Why's that?" she asked.

"Because her character is smarter than most
give her credit for, and she has a great deal
of inner strength that helps her to get what
she wants, even though others constantly
underestimate her."

The chubby one softened up a bit more at
this. "I actually like Felicity Huffman
better," she said.

"Why's that?" I asked.

"Because she doesn't take sh*t from anyone,
and no matter what happens to her, she's
a good mom and a good wife who loves her

"Awesome! See? I knew you had it in you!"

At that I raised my hand for a high five.
She gave me one and laughed.

"See? You've got a great smile, you should
show it more often."

"Thanks," she said.

"What about the rest of you? Which Housewife?"

I went around the group, saving my target
for last.

"I'm totally a Terri Hatcher," she said.

"Uh oh," I said smiling. "You're the one who
gets locked out of her house naked and burns
your neighbor's homes down?"

The girls all laughed.

"That's me!" she said. "I'm a total cluts."

"But the thing about Terri Hatcher is that
even though she causes a lot of trouble, it
always happens because she's got a good
heart. In a way, she's the most innocent of
the Housewives."

"Well, I don't know about being innocent,"
she said.

I raised my eyebrow. "A wolf in sheep's
clothing, eh? I can tell you're going to
be trouble."

I turned to the other three girls.

"Is it true? Is she the one always going
out to pick up guys and molest them?"

The group laughed.

"No, no, that's me!" said the chubby one.
"Sandra is the nice one. She's shy."

I turned to Sandra. "Really? You don't
seem shy."

"Depends on the mood I'm in," she said.

"And what mood are you in right now?" I asked.

"Oh, I'm not feeling shy tonight!" she giggled.

I sensed this was my cue to isolate her. I
turned to the chubby one.

"Hey, would you mind if I borrowed your
friend for a second? I'll bring her right
back, I just want to show her something."

"What are you going to show her?" the
chubby one asked.

"Its a surprise. When I'm done, I'll come
back and show you."

"Okay," said the chubby. "We'll be here."

At this point, I took Sandra by the hand
and lead her off to the side, far enough
away not to be heard by her friends, but
close enough so she didn't get freaked

At this point, I did some of my mid-game
things, and talked a lot to her, using
my "fish and hook" method. She was a very
sweet girl, and very easy to talk to.

Normally, I'd go for setting up the date
at this point, but the bet was for the
phone number. I pulled out my cell phone
and handed it to her.

She typed in her number and hit the send
button so it was stored in my phone. I
then called it up and entered her name.

When I took her back to her friends, I
asked them if they would like to join me
and my friends. They said yes, and I
brought them over to Allan and Gary.

As I sat down, I showed Gary the number
in my phone.

"Drinks are on Gary, girls," I said. "Order
as much as you want!"

The girls all cheered. Gary laughed.

"It was worth it just to see you pull that
off," he said after the night was over.

"I'm glad you liked it," I said.

"So, how can I learn how to do that?" he

"Practice," I said.

No comments: